I think that most people are now aware that the UK has a large budget deficit. Basically, the country has been living beyond its means for years. As a result, there will be some uncomfortable years ahead of us as the new government attempts to deal with the deficit. We have to learn to live within our means again, and that doesn’t just mean the government, but we need to learn that as individuals as well.
After years of easy credit we have become used to having what we want whenever we want it because we can always pay later. That attitude hasn’t really done us any good, and it has resulted in a lot of people carrying large amounts of debt, often at high rates of interest. That can put real stress in your life, and sooner or later it catches up on you. Perhaps it is time to get back to the place where we learn to apply some old fashioned principles for controlling our finances again.
One of the most powerful tools that you can ever have for controlling your finances is to set yourself a simple budget. There are various tools available online to help you do this, but basically you need to add up all of your monthly income, work out all of your monthly expenses, subtract the two, and then look to adjust them until the result is a positive number. If the result is a negative number, then you are spending more money than you have coming in and you will be ramping up debt instead of reducing it.
There are two ways you can attempt to get your budget so that you are spending less than your income. First, you could try to increase your income by taking a higher paid job, or perhaps by taking a second job. This is not always easy, especially at the moment. Another way to do this is to reduce your expenses. For some ideas on how to do that try looking at www.moneysavingexpert.com. There are some great ideas on that site in all sorts of areas.
One of the incredible advantages of setting a budget is that it allows you to sit down and DECIDE how much you want to spend each month. Then, each month, as you keep a check on how much you are spending, you have a real incentive not to be seduced into parting with your money by impulse buying, because you have determined ahead of time what your budget is, and that you will not exceed it.
Another advantage of a budget is that it allows you to plan ahead with your finances. So, if you have existing debts you can work out a strategy within your budget for eliminating those debts, and ensuring that they don’t come back. You can decide how much to pay off each month (perhaps targeting the most expensive ones first; i.e. those with the highest rate of interest), and then work out when you will become debt free. In addition, you can learn to wait for the things that you want by saving up for them before you buy them. This will allow you to buy them at the minimum cost to you; i.e. no interest added on because you bought on credit. In this case, you decide how much you can save each month towards your goal, and then see at what point you will be able to make your purchase.
A great course that I would recommend you try for getting control of your finances is CAP Money. You can find out about this at www.capmoney.org. Have a look on the web site and see if there is a course running near you. It is much better to try to make a start by doing it with others, because you can encourage each other in the process.
Hopefully, in the coming years we will all come to a better place when it comes to handling our finances. We will be much better for it, and potentially remove a whole lot of unnecessary stress from our lives. Happy budgeting!
Friday, 11 June 2010
Saturday, 8 May 2010
No Fear?
A few years ago a lot of young people where wearing stuff with 'No fear' on it. It sounds great, but when someone says that they have no fear they are lying. Everybody gets afraid sometime.
There are some occasions when it is a good thing to be afraid. I remember one time in Florida when I had seen a small snake crawling out of the grass at one of the Disney parks. Later the same day I nearly jumped right out of my skin when I felt a snake crawling up my leg! It turned out to be just my son tickling my leg with a blade of grass, but my alarm bells were ringing loud and clear when he did that. If you are in immediate danger, fear is your mind's way of telling you to react quickly to get yourself out of harms way.
There are other types of fear that are not so good, and they can end up inhibiting your life, and stopping you from being all that you can be. The bottom line is that there are certain things in life where we place our security, and when our security is threatened we tend to become fearful. In other words, we are afraid of loss. There are things in our lives that bring us security, and if we were to lose those things our security would be gone, and our world would be devastated.
There are three key things that make us feel secure.
1. Wealth/possessions
2. Health
3. Family/close relationships
It is worth thinking carefully about these, so that the fear of losing any one of these does not shape who you are. For example, how important are your wealth and possessions to you? In these days of recession many people have lost jobs, and all that they have built up in life. Some poeple simply cannot cope with this kind of loss, and I read a report that said that the suicide rate has increased in the US, where most of the increase is attributed to those who have lost their wealth and possessions. The important point to grasp is that your value as a person is in no way related to what you possess. Often we allow 'people' to convince us that that is the case, because in our society the more wealth a person has, the better they are treated. If you are to be content regardless of what possessions you have, or how others treat you, you need to understand your intrinsic value. When you understand that you will not derive your security from what you have, but from who you are.
Health is another major cause of fear. In fact, this relates ultimately to a fear of death. Someone once said;
It is a terrible thing to receive bad news about your health, but a positive response is always better than a negative. I know of a lady who had breast cancer many years ago. She came through the ordeal and has been in the clear for several years now. However, though she is healed physically, she has never healed in her mind. Any pain or twinge that she gets causes her to immediately think that the cancer is back. Her whole personality has changed, and she lives every day in fear that the cancer will return and she will die. It is a terrible thing. There are others I know who have gone through the same experience, and yet they treated each day as a gift, and lived with a positive outlook. They also came through the ordeal, but rather than carrying it forward with them they left it behind in the past, where it belongs. Life really is a gift. Make the most of it while you have it. Don't live in fear of death, or sickness, but while you have life, be alive!
In old age, William Booth (founder of the Salation army) was told that he was going blind. He said;
What a fantastic response to a disability.
Lastly, much of our security comes from our family and close relationships. It is really, really tough to lose people that we have close emotional ties with. However, life does go on, and we should remember that our loved ones will appreciate it far more if we value and cherish them while we have time with them, than if we mourn deeply for them when they are gone from our lives. Sweethearts, children, parents, siblings, and friends are given to us for a time. Let us use wisely the time that we have together because one day the time will end. The pain of loss will always be present when loved ones are lost from our lives, but if we have made good use of time with them we do not need to fear the loss. Rather, we can be thankful for the experience, and for the way that they enriched us. We can continue to live meaningful lives; better people because of the way that we have been shaped by those who touched us.
Ultimately, our security must come from somewhere. As a Christian, mine comes from God. He is the one thing in my life that will never change, and He is the one thing that will never leave me. Everything else will pass from my life, but He will not. If you read this, and you are not a Christian, I urge you to give your life to Jesus. With Him by your side, nothing in life will ever shake you. No loss will be too great to bear, because what you have received in Him will always be so much more than anything else that you could ever receive in life. With that kind of security, there is no room for fear of loss, and you can genuinely live a life without fear. If you don't know Jesus, but you would like to know more, contact me. I'd be happy to tell you more about Him.
There are some occasions when it is a good thing to be afraid. I remember one time in Florida when I had seen a small snake crawling out of the grass at one of the Disney parks. Later the same day I nearly jumped right out of my skin when I felt a snake crawling up my leg! It turned out to be just my son tickling my leg with a blade of grass, but my alarm bells were ringing loud and clear when he did that. If you are in immediate danger, fear is your mind's way of telling you to react quickly to get yourself out of harms way.
There are other types of fear that are not so good, and they can end up inhibiting your life, and stopping you from being all that you can be. The bottom line is that there are certain things in life where we place our security, and when our security is threatened we tend to become fearful. In other words, we are afraid of loss. There are things in our lives that bring us security, and if we were to lose those things our security would be gone, and our world would be devastated.
There are three key things that make us feel secure.
1. Wealth/possessions
2. Health
3. Family/close relationships
It is worth thinking carefully about these, so that the fear of losing any one of these does not shape who you are. For example, how important are your wealth and possessions to you? In these days of recession many people have lost jobs, and all that they have built up in life. Some poeple simply cannot cope with this kind of loss, and I read a report that said that the suicide rate has increased in the US, where most of the increase is attributed to those who have lost their wealth and possessions. The important point to grasp is that your value as a person is in no way related to what you possess. Often we allow 'people' to convince us that that is the case, because in our society the more wealth a person has, the better they are treated. If you are to be content regardless of what possessions you have, or how others treat you, you need to understand your intrinsic value. When you understand that you will not derive your security from what you have, but from who you are.
Health is another major cause of fear. In fact, this relates ultimately to a fear of death. Someone once said;
It is a poor thing to live in fear of that which is inevitable
It is a terrible thing to receive bad news about your health, but a positive response is always better than a negative. I know of a lady who had breast cancer many years ago. She came through the ordeal and has been in the clear for several years now. However, though she is healed physically, she has never healed in her mind. Any pain or twinge that she gets causes her to immediately think that the cancer is back. Her whole personality has changed, and she lives every day in fear that the cancer will return and she will die. It is a terrible thing. There are others I know who have gone through the same experience, and yet they treated each day as a gift, and lived with a positive outlook. They also came through the ordeal, but rather than carrying it forward with them they left it behind in the past, where it belongs. Life really is a gift. Make the most of it while you have it. Don't live in fear of death, or sickness, but while you have life, be alive!
In old age, William Booth (founder of the Salation army) was told that he was going blind. He said;
Well, I've done what I can for the Lord's people with my eyes, now I'll do what I can without them
What a fantastic response to a disability.
Lastly, much of our security comes from our family and close relationships. It is really, really tough to lose people that we have close emotional ties with. However, life does go on, and we should remember that our loved ones will appreciate it far more if we value and cherish them while we have time with them, than if we mourn deeply for them when they are gone from our lives. Sweethearts, children, parents, siblings, and friends are given to us for a time. Let us use wisely the time that we have together because one day the time will end. The pain of loss will always be present when loved ones are lost from our lives, but if we have made good use of time with them we do not need to fear the loss. Rather, we can be thankful for the experience, and for the way that they enriched us. We can continue to live meaningful lives; better people because of the way that we have been shaped by those who touched us.
Ultimately, our security must come from somewhere. As a Christian, mine comes from God. He is the one thing in my life that will never change, and He is the one thing that will never leave me. Everything else will pass from my life, but He will not. If you read this, and you are not a Christian, I urge you to give your life to Jesus. With Him by your side, nothing in life will ever shake you. No loss will be too great to bear, because what you have received in Him will always be so much more than anything else that you could ever receive in life. With that kind of security, there is no room for fear of loss, and you can genuinely live a life without fear. If you don't know Jesus, but you would like to know more, contact me. I'd be happy to tell you more about Him.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
I'll tell you what I want ...
It’s April as I write this, and most New Year’s resolutions have long since been forgotten. It’s a funny thing, but the reason that most of them have been forgotten is because the resolutions that we make each New Year most often have no resolve behind them. In this post, I just want to talk briefly about three simple steps that just might help you to achieve a few more of your goals in life.
The first thing that I want to say is that you need to have a clear vision of what it is that you want to achieve. A common goal might be something like “I want to lose some weight”. Or, perhaps it might be “I want to give up smoking”, or something more ambitious like “I want to be an astronaut”. Whatever your goal is you need to first spend some time really thinking about it, and ask yourself “How much do I really want this?” You see, if you want to achieve your goal, you are going to have to keep it clearly in focus in your life, so that whatever else is going on, you do not get distracted from reaching your goal. That is so important! You should stop and think about that. If you really, really want to achieve something, it must become a non-negotiable focus in your life that does not get squeezed out by anything.
To get your focus, I have found that it helps to be specific. So, for example, if you have a wishy-washy goal like “I want to lose some weight”, the chances are that you will not achieve the goal that you really want, simply because you have not properly defined it. Losing a couple of pounds means that you have lost some weight, but that is probably not what you really wanted to achieve. Set a clear target, like a target weight that puts you in the ‘healthy’ zone for your height and age, and then make the target to get to that weight and stay at that weight. Be specific about where you want to get to.
The second thing is to count the cost involved in reaching your goal. Someone once said;
There is a lot of truth in that. If you want to achieve something worthwhile, then it is going to cost you. The thing is, you should be very aware of what it is going to cost you to get where you want to go, before you embark on the journey. If you have not fully committed to pay the full price to get to where you want to go then when it gets tough you will give up. If you have prepared your mind so that you know full well what sacrifices you are going to have to make, then when it comes time to pay the price you will not turn back.
Thirdly, when you have a clearly defined goal to aim for, and you are fully aware of the cost to get there, you must then make a firm resolve to get to your goal. This is not some half-hearted “Well, I’ll try”. This is an unyielding resolve where there is no question that you will not reach your goal. It is a certainty that your goal will be reached because you have set your face to get there. It is an unflinching resolve that breeds the kind of determination and perseverance that can overcome every obstacle.
With this in mind, stop putting off the things that you know you would like to do, but you have never had the resolve to see them through to the end. Whether it is losing weight, giving up smoking, paying off your debts, passing exams, going for that new career, or spending more time with your spouse and kids; YOU CAN DO IT!
Before just summarising those three steps for you, let me just say one more thing that I picked up years ago from an episode of the detective series ‘Frost’. In it he says to someone;
What is it that you really, really want to do? Try these steps:-
1. Define a very specific goal to give you a clear target to aim at.
2. Understand what it will cost you to achieve your goal, and commit to pay the price.
3. Make a firm resolve to get to your goal. Determine not to turn back, or give up, but make it a certainty that you will arrive at your destination.
The first thing that I want to say is that you need to have a clear vision of what it is that you want to achieve. A common goal might be something like “I want to lose some weight”. Or, perhaps it might be “I want to give up smoking”, or something more ambitious like “I want to be an astronaut”. Whatever your goal is you need to first spend some time really thinking about it, and ask yourself “How much do I really want this?” You see, if you want to achieve your goal, you are going to have to keep it clearly in focus in your life, so that whatever else is going on, you do not get distracted from reaching your goal. That is so important! You should stop and think about that. If you really, really want to achieve something, it must become a non-negotiable focus in your life that does not get squeezed out by anything.
To get your focus, I have found that it helps to be specific. So, for example, if you have a wishy-washy goal like “I want to lose some weight”, the chances are that you will not achieve the goal that you really want, simply because you have not properly defined it. Losing a couple of pounds means that you have lost some weight, but that is probably not what you really wanted to achieve. Set a clear target, like a target weight that puts you in the ‘healthy’ zone for your height and age, and then make the target to get to that weight and stay at that weight. Be specific about where you want to get to.
The second thing is to count the cost involved in reaching your goal. Someone once said;
“There are no hard and fast rules for getting ahead in life, only hard ones.”
There is a lot of truth in that. If you want to achieve something worthwhile, then it is going to cost you. The thing is, you should be very aware of what it is going to cost you to get where you want to go, before you embark on the journey. If you have not fully committed to pay the full price to get to where you want to go then when it gets tough you will give up. If you have prepared your mind so that you know full well what sacrifices you are going to have to make, then when it comes time to pay the price you will not turn back.
Thirdly, when you have a clearly defined goal to aim for, and you are fully aware of the cost to get there, you must then make a firm resolve to get to your goal. This is not some half-hearted “Well, I’ll try”. This is an unyielding resolve where there is no question that you will not reach your goal. It is a certainty that your goal will be reached because you have set your face to get there. It is an unflinching resolve that breeds the kind of determination and perseverance that can overcome every obstacle.
With this in mind, stop putting off the things that you know you would like to do, but you have never had the resolve to see them through to the end. Whether it is losing weight, giving up smoking, paying off your debts, passing exams, going for that new career, or spending more time with your spouse and kids; YOU CAN DO IT!
Before just summarising those three steps for you, let me just say one more thing that I picked up years ago from an episode of the detective series ‘Frost’. In it he says to someone;
“You should not be worried about aiming too high and missing, you should be worried about aiming too low and hitting.”
What is it that you really, really want to do? Try these steps:-
1. Define a very specific goal to give you a clear target to aim at.
2. Understand what it will cost you to achieve your goal, and commit to pay the price.
3. Make a firm resolve to get to your goal. Determine not to turn back, or give up, but make it a certainty that you will arrive at your destination.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Don't blow your stack
I’ve been thinking recently about how easy it seems to be for folks to lose their tempers these days. Perhaps this is not too surprising given the fast pace at which so many people live, which results in stress and impatience. No wonder tempers flare up so often!
Unfortunately, losing your temper tends to make you feel worse, rather than better, and in fact there is medical research around that indicates that blowing your top is bad for your health. So, it is a good thing to learn to control your temper.
There a few keys to achieve this which I have found useful, and hopefully you might too. The first is simply to resist the temptation to justify yourself when you are irritated by someone or something. It is possible that you have been wronged, but that rarely translates into a good justification to blow your top; two wrongs don’t make a right. I found a great quote by Benjamin Franklin that sort of says the same thing;
The second key is to think of the consequences of losing your temper. The two worst consequences that concern me are the damage that it can do to your reputation and to your relationships.
Generally, people say and do the most ridiculous things once they have lost their temper. With normal restraints thrown away rash words and actions often follow, which are usually regretted later because they are so foolish. You know, it is hard to build a good reputation, and it has to be earned over time. It can be lost very, very quickly and then becomes twice as hard to win back. It is a shame to throw away a good reputation through loss of control of one’s temper.
If you are hot-tempered it will definitely affect you in all of your relationships. People are wary of hot-tempered people, and your relationships will be far more limited (and possibly short-lived!) if you don’t gain control of your temper.
Now anger isn’t just expressed as an ‘explosion’. Anger can just simmer away inside some folks, normally because of some trauma in the past. It seems such a waste when folks become so embittered because of a past event, that the rest of their lives are spoiled because of it. Bitterness is a killer, but you have to make a personal choice not to hold on to it, and leave it where it belongs – in the past. Normally, bitterness will only hurt yourself, and by holding on to it you only punish yourself.
Whether you blow up or just simmer, get rid of it. Life is a whole lot better when anger is kept chained up and under control. The passion and energy that is put into anger can be redirected into far more positive experiences in life, which can be good for you, and hopefully others too.
Unfortunately, losing your temper tends to make you feel worse, rather than better, and in fact there is medical research around that indicates that blowing your top is bad for your health. So, it is a good thing to learn to control your temper.
There a few keys to achieve this which I have found useful, and hopefully you might too. The first is simply to resist the temptation to justify yourself when you are irritated by someone or something. It is possible that you have been wronged, but that rarely translates into a good justification to blow your top; two wrongs don’t make a right. I found a great quote by Benjamin Franklin that sort of says the same thing;
"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one."
The second key is to think of the consequences of losing your temper. The two worst consequences that concern me are the damage that it can do to your reputation and to your relationships.
Generally, people say and do the most ridiculous things once they have lost their temper. With normal restraints thrown away rash words and actions often follow, which are usually regretted later because they are so foolish. You know, it is hard to build a good reputation, and it has to be earned over time. It can be lost very, very quickly and then becomes twice as hard to win back. It is a shame to throw away a good reputation through loss of control of one’s temper.
If you are hot-tempered it will definitely affect you in all of your relationships. People are wary of hot-tempered people, and your relationships will be far more limited (and possibly short-lived!) if you don’t gain control of your temper.
Now anger isn’t just expressed as an ‘explosion’. Anger can just simmer away inside some folks, normally because of some trauma in the past. It seems such a waste when folks become so embittered because of a past event, that the rest of their lives are spoiled because of it. Bitterness is a killer, but you have to make a personal choice not to hold on to it, and leave it where it belongs – in the past. Normally, bitterness will only hurt yourself, and by holding on to it you only punish yourself.
Whether you blow up or just simmer, get rid of it. Life is a whole lot better when anger is kept chained up and under control. The passion and energy that is put into anger can be redirected into far more positive experiences in life, which can be good for you, and hopefully others too.
Friday, 26 February 2010
It's only words ...
Whether we care to admit it or not words have a powerful effect on us. What we hear spoken to us can encourage us, inspire us, motivate us, and build us up. Or, on the other hand, they can depress us, hurt us, make us sad, make us angry, or make us feel worthless. Words can be uplifting, or damaging, and so how we handle them is extremely important.
Rudyard Kipling said;
We just can’t get enough of words and no wonder when they really can make a big difference to us. Perhaps you can remember people in your life who have said things to you that gave you a real sense of purpose. I know I can, and I will always be grateful to them for their input.
Or, perhaps you can remember things people said to you that made you feel worthless. Perhaps you are still bound up because of things that were spoken to you in the past, and you just can’t break free of them. I reckon that there is a vast amount of potential throughout the history of mankind that has never been released, simply because it has remained bound up by negative words. It’s a great shame, but really shows that we have to be careful about how we respond to the things that we hear, and how we have to be responsible for the things that we say.
I have decided that wherever possible I am going to try to be known as someone who brings positive affirmation, rather than negative criticism. However, that needs to be done within a framework of honesty, because there is a place for criticism, but the criticism should be constructive. It is so much better to try to live life where your words lift people up, rather than tear people down. It’s not always easy though!
Our character is shown in our words
Do you know that people make judgments about you based on your words? If you choose your words carefully, such that they are mostly known to be right, true, and genuinely caring, you will be judged as one who is wise, reliable, honest and trustworthy. Your words will earn you a good reputation, provided that you do actually live up to them.
In contrast, if you speak rashly, offering advice without really knowing, you will be judged as foolish. If you speak harshly, and unjustly, you will be judged as hostile. If you speak falsely, you will be known as a liar. If you ‘tell tales’ just to humiliate someone, you will be known as a gossip. If you speak obscenities, you will be known as foul-mouthed, and if you speak coarse jokes you will be known as lewd. If you constantly see things in a negative light, you will be judged as a cynical pessimist, to be avoided by all but other cynical pessimists. If you speak only about yourself, you will be judged to be self-absorbed, selfish and a bore. If you speak promises that you rarely, if ever, keep, you will be judged to be unreliable. So, if you are going to speak, think carefully about what impact it is going to have on your reputation.
Keep your tongue in check and you’ll keep your body in check
It is actually a lot harder to keep your tongue in check that it is to keep your body in check. So, if you can discipline yourself to keep watch over what you say, it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep watch over what you do. If you think about it, we are restricted in what we can do by the law, because we know that if we act in a way that breaks the law, and we get caught, there will be consequences that we will have to face. There are no such restrictions on what we say. In fact, the right to freedom of speech is guarded like a national treasure. The price that we pay for that is sometimes very high, like some of the ‘verbal bullying’ that takes place in our schools, and online. In some cases verbal bullying has been so bad that the victim has been driven to suicide. So, we really do have a tremendous responsibility to use our words carefully, because they really can have a very large impact on those around us.
Martin Luther King Jr once said;
It is well worth remembering that. The law does not change a person’s heart, and so if the law is taken away, unrestrained behaviour may be the result. A simple example is when a driver slows down for a speed camera, and then speeds up once he is past it. The point is that if you choose to speak only things that are right, true, and spoken with genuine care for others, you are demonstrating self-restraint. You are not restrained by the law, you are restrained by something much higher; a sense of morality. If your speech is governed by a sense of morality, then your actions will be also. The question is where are you going to get this sense of morality from? For me, I get it from my Christian faith. My faith gives me a sense of moral obligation from my accountability to God, and this means that my actions should automatically comply with the law, because they are governed by something much more powerful than the law.
And to close …
Since I’ve been talking about the power of words this time I’ll finish with a quotation. I like to collect quotations, and they illustrate perfectly what I’ve been talking about. The very fact that books of quotations exist are a testament to the power of words. Quotations are great words that have been spoken in the past, that are powerful enough to be recorded so that they can be used to inspire current and future generations. One of my favourites is a quotation from Henry Ford, who spoke the following words to emphasize how much our mindset affects our lives:-
Think about that, it could change your life. That’s the power of words!
Rudyard Kipling said;
“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”
We just can’t get enough of words and no wonder when they really can make a big difference to us. Perhaps you can remember people in your life who have said things to you that gave you a real sense of purpose. I know I can, and I will always be grateful to them for their input.
Or, perhaps you can remember things people said to you that made you feel worthless. Perhaps you are still bound up because of things that were spoken to you in the past, and you just can’t break free of them. I reckon that there is a vast amount of potential throughout the history of mankind that has never been released, simply because it has remained bound up by negative words. It’s a great shame, but really shows that we have to be careful about how we respond to the things that we hear, and how we have to be responsible for the things that we say.
I have decided that wherever possible I am going to try to be known as someone who brings positive affirmation, rather than negative criticism. However, that needs to be done within a framework of honesty, because there is a place for criticism, but the criticism should be constructive. It is so much better to try to live life where your words lift people up, rather than tear people down. It’s not always easy though!
Our character is shown in our words
Do you know that people make judgments about you based on your words? If you choose your words carefully, such that they are mostly known to be right, true, and genuinely caring, you will be judged as one who is wise, reliable, honest and trustworthy. Your words will earn you a good reputation, provided that you do actually live up to them.
In contrast, if you speak rashly, offering advice without really knowing, you will be judged as foolish. If you speak harshly, and unjustly, you will be judged as hostile. If you speak falsely, you will be known as a liar. If you ‘tell tales’ just to humiliate someone, you will be known as a gossip. If you speak obscenities, you will be known as foul-mouthed, and if you speak coarse jokes you will be known as lewd. If you constantly see things in a negative light, you will be judged as a cynical pessimist, to be avoided by all but other cynical pessimists. If you speak only about yourself, you will be judged to be self-absorbed, selfish and a bore. If you speak promises that you rarely, if ever, keep, you will be judged to be unreliable. So, if you are going to speak, think carefully about what impact it is going to have on your reputation.
Keep your tongue in check and you’ll keep your body in check
It is actually a lot harder to keep your tongue in check that it is to keep your body in check. So, if you can discipline yourself to keep watch over what you say, it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep watch over what you do. If you think about it, we are restricted in what we can do by the law, because we know that if we act in a way that breaks the law, and we get caught, there will be consequences that we will have to face. There are no such restrictions on what we say. In fact, the right to freedom of speech is guarded like a national treasure. The price that we pay for that is sometimes very high, like some of the ‘verbal bullying’ that takes place in our schools, and online. In some cases verbal bullying has been so bad that the victim has been driven to suicide. So, we really do have a tremendous responsibility to use our words carefully, because they really can have a very large impact on those around us.
Martin Luther King Jr once said;
“The law is not there to change the heart, but to restrain the heartless.”
It is well worth remembering that. The law does not change a person’s heart, and so if the law is taken away, unrestrained behaviour may be the result. A simple example is when a driver slows down for a speed camera, and then speeds up once he is past it. The point is that if you choose to speak only things that are right, true, and spoken with genuine care for others, you are demonstrating self-restraint. You are not restrained by the law, you are restrained by something much higher; a sense of morality. If your speech is governed by a sense of morality, then your actions will be also. The question is where are you going to get this sense of morality from? For me, I get it from my Christian faith. My faith gives me a sense of moral obligation from my accountability to God, and this means that my actions should automatically comply with the law, because they are governed by something much more powerful than the law.
And to close …
Since I’ve been talking about the power of words this time I’ll finish with a quotation. I like to collect quotations, and they illustrate perfectly what I’ve been talking about. The very fact that books of quotations exist are a testament to the power of words. Quotations are great words that have been spoken in the past, that are powerful enough to be recorded so that they can be used to inspire current and future generations. One of my favourites is a quotation from Henry Ford, who spoke the following words to emphasize how much our mindset affects our lives:-
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right”
Think about that, it could change your life. That’s the power of words!
Monday, 22 February 2010
Take care of your friends
It sounds kind of obvious, but people with good friends can expect a healthier and happier life. Research supports this, and if you really want to you could trawl the internet to discover this for yourself. As an example, take a look at the following link:-
The Social Context of Well-Being
There you will find a paper entitled ‘The social context of well-being’ by John.F.Helliwell and Robert.D.Putnam (2004 The Royal Society). In the abstract the authors say;
Now, I’m not sure why you need to do any research to discover this, but then I have some really great social ties! If you do not, then you really need to hear this. Get yourself some good friends – it will make you infinitely more happy than you are now; I guarantee it!
Friends not acquaintances
When I say that you should get some good friends, I don’t mean acquaintances – there is a big difference! Acquaintances are simply folks that we know superficially. We are okay with small talk with acquaintances, but we don’t know them intimately. Friends are completely different. Friends are folks that you do know intimately, so that you can be honest with them, and they can be honest with you. It’s important to know the difference, because if your social skills are not up to much, then you are going to have to learn to take risks with people, which means making yourself vulnerable.
Two are better than one
I know that some folks have had bad experiences with other people, and they have been let down, but the fact remains that good friends are good for your physical and emotional health. Two are always better than one. It is not worth isolating yourself from the world because you are afraid of being hurt, or let down. Put your past bad experiences behind you, and don’t let them deter you from seeking out the good ones that you haven’t yet experienced. Isolation and loneliness are a miserable state of affairs. There are some great people out there; go and find them.
Nobody is perfect
If you have trouble letting people get close to you for fear of getting hurt, let me suggest a few things that might help. Firstly, nobody is perfect. To form a good friendship you need to be prepared for the fact that there will be times when your friends let you down. However, there will also be times when you let your friends down; it works two ways. That means that you have to be willing to make allowances for your friends and be willing to forgive them, and if they are true friends, they will do the same for you. Secondly, when choosing your friends, make sure that you choose people who genuinely care about you. If your ‘friend’ only ever contacts you when they want something from you, they are not much of a friend. A friend gives, as well as takes, and real friends put themselves out for each other. Thirdly, some folks are just looking for someone to lean on. This type of person can become dependant on you, and drain the life out of you, if you are not careful. It is great to help needy people like this, but if you want to get involved with folks like that then you need to put appropriate boundaries in place for your protection so that they do not monopolise your time. The key skill is to know what type of ‘friend’ you are dealing with, and when to make allowances and when to set boundaries. Forgiveness is required across the board.
To have good friends, you need to be a good friend
This sounds obvious, but if you look around you some folks just don’t get this; to have good friends you need to be a good friend. If you adopt a friendly attitude towards others, people will be friendly towards you. A friendly person is like a ‘people magnet’; people are drawn to folks who permanently wear a smile. However, there must be more to your friendship than just a smile. You need to be approachable, reliable, and willing to inconvenience yourself for your friends. Your friends need to know that they can count on your support when they need it most. That is being a good friend.
Some folks walk around with a ‘Yes!’ face. You look at them and you just know that you can ask them anything, and they will probably do it for you. Others walk around with a big fat ‘No!’ across their face, so that you wouldn’t dare ask them for anything. If you want to know who your true friends are, think of the people that you would be happy to call in the middle of the night to help you with an emergency. There may not be too many like that, but those are your true friends with the ‘Yes!’ faces. Those are the relationships that you should cherish, nurture and protect. More importantly, that is the type of friend that you should aim to be. Put your ‘Yes!’ face on and throw your ‘No!’ face in the bin.
Friendship involves sacrifice
Henry Durbanville defined a friend as follows;
To be a friend like that it costs you. Real friends stick by each other through thick and thin. They do not abandon one another. Even though the whole world turns against you, your true friends will stick by you. Are you a friend like that? It is called loyalty. It costs, but there is nothing in the world like it.
Take some time to appreciate your friends today. Do something for them to show how much you appreciate them, which might be as simple as just telling them. If you are a bit of a loner, make the decision to take some risks. Start letting people get close to you. It is possible that you might get hurt occasionally along the way, but you will also start to pick up some real friends, and you will be much, much better for it, both emotionally and physically. A little bit of hurt is worth it if the prize is to gain some true friends who will enrich your life. Most importantly, be a good friend yourself. If nobody ever does you any good in return (which I seriously doubt!) you will at least have done some good yourself on lifes little journey.
The Social Context of Well-Being
There you will find a paper entitled ‘The social context of well-being’ by John.F.Helliwell and Robert.D.Putnam (2004 The Royal Society). In the abstract the authors say;
‘Social capital, as measured by the strength of family, neighbourhood, religious and community ties is found to support both physical health and subjective well-being.’
Now, I’m not sure why you need to do any research to discover this, but then I have some really great social ties! If you do not, then you really need to hear this. Get yourself some good friends – it will make you infinitely more happy than you are now; I guarantee it!
Friends not acquaintances
When I say that you should get some good friends, I don’t mean acquaintances – there is a big difference! Acquaintances are simply folks that we know superficially. We are okay with small talk with acquaintances, but we don’t know them intimately. Friends are completely different. Friends are folks that you do know intimately, so that you can be honest with them, and they can be honest with you. It’s important to know the difference, because if your social skills are not up to much, then you are going to have to learn to take risks with people, which means making yourself vulnerable.
Two are better than one
I know that some folks have had bad experiences with other people, and they have been let down, but the fact remains that good friends are good for your physical and emotional health. Two are always better than one. It is not worth isolating yourself from the world because you are afraid of being hurt, or let down. Put your past bad experiences behind you, and don’t let them deter you from seeking out the good ones that you haven’t yet experienced. Isolation and loneliness are a miserable state of affairs. There are some great people out there; go and find them.
Nobody is perfect
If you have trouble letting people get close to you for fear of getting hurt, let me suggest a few things that might help. Firstly, nobody is perfect. To form a good friendship you need to be prepared for the fact that there will be times when your friends let you down. However, there will also be times when you let your friends down; it works two ways. That means that you have to be willing to make allowances for your friends and be willing to forgive them, and if they are true friends, they will do the same for you. Secondly, when choosing your friends, make sure that you choose people who genuinely care about you. If your ‘friend’ only ever contacts you when they want something from you, they are not much of a friend. A friend gives, as well as takes, and real friends put themselves out for each other. Thirdly, some folks are just looking for someone to lean on. This type of person can become dependant on you, and drain the life out of you, if you are not careful. It is great to help needy people like this, but if you want to get involved with folks like that then you need to put appropriate boundaries in place for your protection so that they do not monopolise your time. The key skill is to know what type of ‘friend’ you are dealing with, and when to make allowances and when to set boundaries. Forgiveness is required across the board.
To have good friends, you need to be a good friend
This sounds obvious, but if you look around you some folks just don’t get this; to have good friends you need to be a good friend. If you adopt a friendly attitude towards others, people will be friendly towards you. A friendly person is like a ‘people magnet’; people are drawn to folks who permanently wear a smile. However, there must be more to your friendship than just a smile. You need to be approachable, reliable, and willing to inconvenience yourself for your friends. Your friends need to know that they can count on your support when they need it most. That is being a good friend.
Some folks walk around with a ‘Yes!’ face. You look at them and you just know that you can ask them anything, and they will probably do it for you. Others walk around with a big fat ‘No!’ across their face, so that you wouldn’t dare ask them for anything. If you want to know who your true friends are, think of the people that you would be happy to call in the middle of the night to help you with an emergency. There may not be too many like that, but those are your true friends with the ‘Yes!’ faces. Those are the relationships that you should cherish, nurture and protect. More importantly, that is the type of friend that you should aim to be. Put your ‘Yes!’ face on and throw your ‘No!’ face in the bin.
Friendship involves sacrifice
Henry Durbanville defined a friend as follows;
'A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world goes out.'
To be a friend like that it costs you. Real friends stick by each other through thick and thin. They do not abandon one another. Even though the whole world turns against you, your true friends will stick by you. Are you a friend like that? It is called loyalty. It costs, but there is nothing in the world like it.
Take some time to appreciate your friends today. Do something for them to show how much you appreciate them, which might be as simple as just telling them. If you are a bit of a loner, make the decision to take some risks. Start letting people get close to you. It is possible that you might get hurt occasionally along the way, but you will also start to pick up some real friends, and you will be much, much better for it, both emotionally and physically. A little bit of hurt is worth it if the prize is to gain some true friends who will enrich your life. Most importantly, be a good friend yourself. If nobody ever does you any good in return (which I seriously doubt!) you will at least have done some good yourself on lifes little journey.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Are you happy?
I was struck a little while back when I read something Abraham Lincoln once said.
‘Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.’
I’ve talked to several folks about this, from a range of backgrounds, and perhaps it is not surprising to find quite a few folks who don’t agree with this. They are captive to their circumstances, and so their mood is determined by how well things are going in their life. Personally, I think that Lincoln was really on to something, and ‘how happy you are’ really can be a matter of choice. It is a question of adopting the right attitude in life.
I did some reading around, and started to experiment a little, and I found that simply adopting a different mindset made a massive difference to my outlook on life. I’ll give you my starting point in a moment, and perhaps you might like to experiment yourself. It would be great to hear how you get on. In this post I’ll just give five pointers that I found really helpful in developing a healthy mindset that has genuinely made me much more content with life.
1. Life seems to go a lot better when you are teachable.
I’ve found that there are people who are too afraid to admit that they do not know something for fear of looking stupid, and then there are people who are genuinely conceited and think that they know it all. Both are unteachable; one because of fear and the other because of pride. I have found that the most successful people in life do not suffer from either of these problems, and suck knowledge up like a sponge. In order to get on in life, everybody needs help. It is much better to try to benefit from the wisdom that is all around us, by actively seeking out those who can help us, and asking questions so that we can learn. When you ask for advice, most people will take it as a complement and be only too willing to help. Try it out – you’ll be surprised.
2. Life seems to go better when you are a giver not a taker.
Unfortunately, we seem to live in a culture where we are conditioned to become consumers. The trouble is, if we are not careful, a consumer mindset can put us into the mould where we mostly think of ourselves, instead of others. The trouble is, the more we consume, the more we want, and that cycle never really leads to fulfilment. It is much better to adopt a mindset where we actively look for ways where we can use our lives for the benefit of others. There is nothing quite as satisfying as doing something good for somebody else. Opportunities are around us every day, but I think that we only start to notice them when we have conditioned our minds to think that way. I’m not just talking about giving money to charity (although that is a good thing to do), but actually getting your hands dirty and doing something yourself for somebody else. Try it out – go and do somebody some good!
3. Life seems to go better when you focus on solutions and not problems
Pointing out problems seems to be perhaps the one thing that everybody on the planet is good at. Have you noticed that the younger a person is, the bigger their dreams are? As we get older we tend to get more cynical, so that if you suggest something that is a bit of a challenge, the first voices that you will hear will be those that point out all of the reasons for not attempting it. Those voices are often all it takes for most of us to give up. I have found that it is healthy to try out new things. If you want to try something new you should focus on the end goal and not on the problems that you will encounter on the journey to the goal. Focus on solutions to problems, and not the problems themselves and you will find life opening up a whole lot more opportunities for you. Don’t listen to the voices that say ‘You can’t do that!’ Prove them wrong and go and do it.
4. Life seems to go better if you are prepared to rock the boat.
I have observed that a lot of people are not happy with their lives, but they do not seem to be prepared to change anything because it is too much trouble. I cannot think of anything more soul-destroying. It is extremely liberating when you train your mind not to accept the status quo. However, one should be careful here. The path to a more contented life is found when you make positive choices to change your life, not negative (destructive) ones. If you do not like what you are currently doing with your time, find something more fulfilling to do with it. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, get a dog, be a zoo-keeper for a day – the possibilities are endless. Use your imagination and change your life from mundane and boring, to something that you actually enjoy!
5. Life seems to go better when you are not jealous of others
It is so easy to fall into the trap of trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. I think that this way of thinking is rampant, and is most likely why there is such an obsession with celebrities. We look at what others have got and are jealous because we want it. We can go through our whole lives comparing ourselves to other people if we are not careful, always worrying about where we are on the ladder. It is a massive relief when you train your mind to let go of that way of thinking, and simply enjoy being who you are. If somebody else is successful in life, be happy for them, don’t envy them. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying to better yourself, but you can do it without all the pressure of feeling that you are competing all the time.
So that’s it; five ways in which I chose to change the way that I think. It has really helped me, and I know that it can help you. It doesn’t have to happen over some protracted period of time. It does not have to be a process. It can happen this instant by simply making the choice to change. Folks really are as happy as they choose to be. Thanks for pointing it out Abe!
‘Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.’
I’ve talked to several folks about this, from a range of backgrounds, and perhaps it is not surprising to find quite a few folks who don’t agree with this. They are captive to their circumstances, and so their mood is determined by how well things are going in their life. Personally, I think that Lincoln was really on to something, and ‘how happy you are’ really can be a matter of choice. It is a question of adopting the right attitude in life.
I did some reading around, and started to experiment a little, and I found that simply adopting a different mindset made a massive difference to my outlook on life. I’ll give you my starting point in a moment, and perhaps you might like to experiment yourself. It would be great to hear how you get on. In this post I’ll just give five pointers that I found really helpful in developing a healthy mindset that has genuinely made me much more content with life.
1. Life seems to go a lot better when you are teachable.
I’ve found that there are people who are too afraid to admit that they do not know something for fear of looking stupid, and then there are people who are genuinely conceited and think that they know it all. Both are unteachable; one because of fear and the other because of pride. I have found that the most successful people in life do not suffer from either of these problems, and suck knowledge up like a sponge. In order to get on in life, everybody needs help. It is much better to try to benefit from the wisdom that is all around us, by actively seeking out those who can help us, and asking questions so that we can learn. When you ask for advice, most people will take it as a complement and be only too willing to help. Try it out – you’ll be surprised.
2. Life seems to go better when you are a giver not a taker.
Unfortunately, we seem to live in a culture where we are conditioned to become consumers. The trouble is, if we are not careful, a consumer mindset can put us into the mould where we mostly think of ourselves, instead of others. The trouble is, the more we consume, the more we want, and that cycle never really leads to fulfilment. It is much better to adopt a mindset where we actively look for ways where we can use our lives for the benefit of others. There is nothing quite as satisfying as doing something good for somebody else. Opportunities are around us every day, but I think that we only start to notice them when we have conditioned our minds to think that way. I’m not just talking about giving money to charity (although that is a good thing to do), but actually getting your hands dirty and doing something yourself for somebody else. Try it out – go and do somebody some good!
3. Life seems to go better when you focus on solutions and not problems
Pointing out problems seems to be perhaps the one thing that everybody on the planet is good at. Have you noticed that the younger a person is, the bigger their dreams are? As we get older we tend to get more cynical, so that if you suggest something that is a bit of a challenge, the first voices that you will hear will be those that point out all of the reasons for not attempting it. Those voices are often all it takes for most of us to give up. I have found that it is healthy to try out new things. If you want to try something new you should focus on the end goal and not on the problems that you will encounter on the journey to the goal. Focus on solutions to problems, and not the problems themselves and you will find life opening up a whole lot more opportunities for you. Don’t listen to the voices that say ‘You can’t do that!’ Prove them wrong and go and do it.
4. Life seems to go better if you are prepared to rock the boat.
I have observed that a lot of people are not happy with their lives, but they do not seem to be prepared to change anything because it is too much trouble. I cannot think of anything more soul-destroying. It is extremely liberating when you train your mind not to accept the status quo. However, one should be careful here. The path to a more contented life is found when you make positive choices to change your life, not negative (destructive) ones. If you do not like what you are currently doing with your time, find something more fulfilling to do with it. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, get a dog, be a zoo-keeper for a day – the possibilities are endless. Use your imagination and change your life from mundane and boring, to something that you actually enjoy!
5. Life seems to go better when you are not jealous of others
It is so easy to fall into the trap of trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. I think that this way of thinking is rampant, and is most likely why there is such an obsession with celebrities. We look at what others have got and are jealous because we want it. We can go through our whole lives comparing ourselves to other people if we are not careful, always worrying about where we are on the ladder. It is a massive relief when you train your mind to let go of that way of thinking, and simply enjoy being who you are. If somebody else is successful in life, be happy for them, don’t envy them. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying to better yourself, but you can do it without all the pressure of feeling that you are competing all the time.
So that’s it; five ways in which I chose to change the way that I think. It has really helped me, and I know that it can help you. It doesn’t have to happen over some protracted period of time. It does not have to be a process. It can happen this instant by simply making the choice to change. Folks really are as happy as they choose to be. Thanks for pointing it out Abe!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
