It's only words ...

Whether we care to admit it or not words have a powerful effect on us. What we hear spoken to us can encourage us, inspire us, motivate us, and build us up. Or, on the other hand, they can depress us, hurt us, make us sad, make us angry, or make us feel worthless. Words can be uplifting, or damaging, and so how we handle them is extremely important.

Rudyard Kipling said;

“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”

We just can’t get enough of words and no wonder when they really can make a big difference to us. Perhaps you can remember people in your life who have said things to you that gave you a real sense of purpose. I know I can, and I will always be grateful to them for their input.

Or, perhaps you can remember things people said to you that made you feel worthless. Perhaps you are still bound up because of things that were spoken to you in the past, and you just can’t break free of them. I reckon that there is a vast amount of potential throughout the history of mankind that has never been released, simply because it has remained bound up by negative words. It’s a great shame, but really shows that we have to be careful about how we respond to the things that we hear, and how we have to be responsible for the things that we say.

I have decided that wherever possible I am going to try to be known as someone who brings positive affirmation, rather than negative criticism. However, that needs to be done within a framework of honesty, because there is a place for criticism, but the criticism should be constructive. It is so much better to try to live life where your words lift people up, rather than tear people down. It’s not always easy though!

Our character is shown in our words

Do you know that people make judgments about you based on your words? If you choose your words carefully, such that they are mostly known to be right, true, and genuinely caring, you will be judged as one who is wise, reliable, honest and trustworthy. Your words will earn you a good reputation, provided that you do actually live up to them.

In contrast, if you speak rashly, offering advice without really knowing, you will be judged as foolish. If you speak harshly, and unjustly, you will be judged as hostile. If you speak falsely, you will be known as a liar. If you ‘tell tales’ just to humiliate someone, you will be known as a gossip. If you speak obscenities, you will be known as foul-mouthed, and if you speak coarse jokes you will be known as lewd. If you constantly see things in a negative light, you will be judged as a cynical pessimist, to be avoided by all but other cynical pessimists. If you speak only about yourself, you will be judged to be self-absorbed, selfish and a bore. If you speak promises that you rarely, if ever, keep, you will be judged to be unreliable. So, if you are going to speak, think carefully about what impact it is going to have on your reputation.

Keep your tongue in check and you’ll keep your body in check

It is actually a lot harder to keep your tongue in check that it is to keep your body in check. So, if you can discipline yourself to keep watch over what you say, it shouldn’t be too difficult to keep watch over what you do. If you think about it, we are restricted in what we can do by the law, because we know that if we act in a way that breaks the law, and we get caught, there will be consequences that we will have to face. There are no such restrictions on what we say. In fact, the right to freedom of speech is guarded like a national treasure. The price that we pay for that is sometimes very high, like some of the ‘verbal bullying’ that takes place in our schools, and online. In some cases verbal bullying has been so bad that the victim has been driven to suicide. So, we really do have a tremendous responsibility to use our words carefully, because they really can have a very large impact on those around us.

Martin Luther King Jr once said;

“The law is not there to change the heart, but to restrain the heartless.”

It is well worth remembering that. The law does not change a person’s heart, and so if the law is taken away, unrestrained behaviour may be the result. A simple example is when a driver slows down for a speed camera, and then speeds up once he is past it. The point is that if you choose to speak only things that are right, true, and spoken with genuine care for others, you are demonstrating self-restraint. You are not restrained by the law, you are restrained by something much higher; a sense of morality. If your speech is governed by a sense of morality, then your actions will be also. The question is where are you going to get this sense of morality from? For me, I get it from my Christian faith. My faith gives me a sense of moral obligation from my accountability to God, and this means that my actions should automatically comply with the law, because they are governed by something much more powerful than the law.

And to close …

Since I’ve been talking about the power of words this time I’ll finish with a quotation. I like to collect quotations, and they illustrate perfectly what I’ve been talking about. The very fact that books of quotations exist are a testament to the power of words. Quotations are great words that have been spoken in the past, that are powerful enough to be recorded so that they can be used to inspire current and future generations. One of my favourites is a quotation from Henry Ford, who spoke the following words to emphasize how much our mindset affects our lives:-

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right”

Think about that, it could change your life. That’s the power of words!

Take care of your friends

It sounds kind of obvious, but people with good friends can expect a healthier and happier life. Research supports this, and if you really want to you could trawl the internet to discover this for yourself. As an example, take a look at the following link:-

The Social Context of Well-Being

There you will find a paper entitled ‘The social context of well-being’ by John.F.Helliwell and Robert.D.Putnam (2004 The Royal Society). In the abstract the authors say;

‘Social capital, as measured by the strength of family, neighbourhood, religious and community ties is found to support both physical health and subjective well-being.’

Now, I’m not sure why you need to do any research to discover this, but then I have some really great social ties! If you do not, then you really need to hear this. Get yourself some good friends – it will make you infinitely more happy than you are now; I guarantee it!

Friends not acquaintances

When I say that you should get some good friends, I don’t mean acquaintances – there is a big difference! Acquaintances are simply folks that we know superficially. We are okay with small talk with acquaintances, but we don’t know them intimately. Friends are completely different. Friends are folks that you do know intimately, so that you can be honest with them, and they can be honest with you. It’s important to know the difference, because if your social skills are not up to much, then you are going to have to learn to take risks with people, which means making yourself vulnerable.

Two are better than one

I know that some folks have had bad experiences with other people, and they have been let down, but the fact remains that good friends are good for your physical and emotional health. Two are always better than one. It is not worth isolating yourself from the world because you are afraid of being hurt, or let down. Put your past bad experiences behind you, and don’t let them deter you from seeking out the good ones that you haven’t yet experienced. Isolation and loneliness are a miserable state of affairs. There are some great people out there; go and find them.

Nobody is perfect

If you have trouble letting people get close to you for fear of getting hurt, let me suggest a few things that might help. Firstly, nobody is perfect. To form a good friendship you need to be prepared for the fact that there will be times when your friends let you down. However, there will also be times when you let your friends down; it works two ways. That means that you have to be willing to make allowances for your friends and be willing to forgive them, and if they are true friends, they will do the same for you. Secondly, when choosing your friends, make sure that you choose people who genuinely care about you. If your ‘friend’ only ever contacts you when they want something from you, they are not much of a friend. A friend gives, as well as takes, and real friends put themselves out for each other. Thirdly, some folks are just looking for someone to lean on. This type of person can become dependant on you, and drain the life out of you, if you are not careful. It is great to help needy people like this, but if you want to get involved with folks like that then you need to put appropriate boundaries in place for your protection so that they do not monopolise your time. The key skill is to know what type of ‘friend’ you are dealing with, and when to make allowances and when to set boundaries. Forgiveness is required across the board.

To have good friends, you need to be a good friend

This sounds obvious, but if you look around you some folks just don’t get this; to have good friends you need to be a good friend. If you adopt a friendly attitude towards others, people will be friendly towards you. A friendly person is like a ‘people magnet’; people are drawn to folks who permanently wear a smile. However, there must be more to your friendship than just a smile. You need to be approachable, reliable, and willing to inconvenience yourself for your friends. Your friends need to know that they can count on your support when they need it most. That is being a good friend.

Some folks walk around with a ‘Yes!’ face. You look at them and you just know that you can ask them anything, and they will probably do it for you. Others walk around with a big fat ‘No!’ across their face, so that you wouldn’t dare ask them for anything. If you want to know who your true friends are, think of the people that you would be happy to call in the middle of the night to help you with an emergency. There may not be too many like that, but those are your true friends with the ‘Yes!’ faces. Those are the relationships that you should cherish, nurture and protect. More importantly, that is the type of friend that you should aim to be. Put your ‘Yes!’ face on and throw your ‘No!’ face in the bin.

Friendship involves sacrifice

Henry Durbanville defined a friend as follows;

'A friend is the first person who comes in when the whole world goes out.'

To be a friend like that it costs you. Real friends stick by each other through thick and thin. They do not abandon one another. Even though the whole world turns against you, your true friends will stick by you. Are you a friend like that? It is called loyalty. It costs, but there is nothing in the world like it.

Take some time to appreciate your friends today. Do something for them to show how much you appreciate them, which might be as simple as just telling them. If you are a bit of a loner, make the decision to take some risks. Start letting people get close to you. It is possible that you might get hurt occasionally along the way, but you will also start to pick up some real friends, and you will be much, much better for it, both emotionally and physically. A little bit of hurt is worth it if the prize is to gain some true friends who will enrich your life. Most importantly, be a good friend yourself. If nobody ever does you any good in return (which I seriously doubt!) you will at least have done some good yourself on lifes little journey.

Are you happy?

I was struck a little while back when I read something Abraham Lincoln once said.

‘Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.’

I’ve talked to several folks about this, from a range of backgrounds, and perhaps it is not surprising to find quite a few folks who don’t agree with this. They are captive to their circumstances, and so their mood is determined by how well things are going in their life. Personally, I think that Lincoln was really on to something, and ‘how happy you are’ really can be a matter of choice. It is a question of adopting the right attitude in life.

I did some reading around, and started to experiment a little, and I found that simply adopting a different mindset made a massive difference to my outlook on life. I’ll give you my starting point in a moment, and perhaps you might like to experiment yourself. It would be great to hear how you get on. In this post I’ll just give five pointers that I found really helpful in developing a healthy mindset that has genuinely made me much more content with life.

1. Life seems to go a lot better when you are teachable.
I’ve found that there are people who are too afraid to admit that they do not know something for fear of looking stupid, and then there are people who are genuinely conceited and think that they know it all. Both are unteachable; one because of fear and the other because of pride. I have found that the most successful people in life do not suffer from either of these problems, and suck knowledge up like a sponge. In order to get on in life, everybody needs help. It is much better to try to benefit from the wisdom that is all around us, by actively seeking out those who can help us, and asking questions so that we can learn. When you ask for advice, most people will take it as a complement and be only too willing to help. Try it out – you’ll be surprised.

2. Life seems to go better when you are a giver not a taker.
Unfortunately, we seem to live in a culture where we are conditioned to become consumers. The trouble is, if we are not careful, a consumer mindset can put us into the mould where we mostly think of ourselves, instead of others. The trouble is, the more we consume, the more we want, and that cycle never really leads to fulfilment. It is much better to adopt a mindset where we actively look for ways where we can use our lives for the benefit of others. There is nothing quite as satisfying as doing something good for somebody else. Opportunities are around us every day, but I think that we only start to notice them when we have conditioned our minds to think that way. I’m not just talking about giving money to charity (although that is a good thing to do), but actually getting your hands dirty and doing something yourself for somebody else. Try it out – go and do somebody some good!

3. Life seems to go better when you focus on solutions and not problems
Pointing out problems seems to be perhaps the one thing that everybody on the planet is good at. Have you noticed that the younger a person is, the bigger their dreams are? As we get older we tend to get more cynical, so that if you suggest something that is a bit of a challenge, the first voices that you will hear will be those that point out all of the reasons for not attempting it. Those voices are often all it takes for most of us to give up. I have found that it is healthy to try out new things. If you want to try something new you should focus on the end goal and not on the problems that you will encounter on the journey to the goal. Focus on solutions to problems, and not the problems themselves and you will find life opening up a whole lot more opportunities for you. Don’t listen to the voices that say ‘You can’t do that!’ Prove them wrong and go and do it.

4. Life seems to go better if you are prepared to rock the boat.
I have observed that a lot of people are not happy with their lives, but they do not seem to be prepared to change anything because it is too much trouble. I cannot think of anything more soul-destroying. It is extremely liberating when you train your mind not to accept the status quo. However, one should be careful here. The path to a more contented life is found when you make positive choices to change your life, not negative (destructive) ones. If you do not like what you are currently doing with your time, find something more fulfilling to do with it. Take up a new hobby, learn a new skill, get a dog, be a zoo-keeper for a day – the possibilities are endless. Use your imagination and change your life from mundane and boring, to something that you actually enjoy!

5. Life seems to go better when you are not jealous of others
It is so easy to fall into the trap of trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. I think that this way of thinking is rampant, and is most likely why there is such an obsession with celebrities. We look at what others have got and are jealous because we want it. We can go through our whole lives comparing ourselves to other people if we are not careful, always worrying about where we are on the ladder. It is a massive relief when you train your mind to let go of that way of thinking, and simply enjoy being who you are. If somebody else is successful in life, be happy for them, don’t envy them. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop trying to better yourself, but you can do it without all the pressure of feeling that you are competing all the time.

So that’s it; five ways in which I chose to change the way that I think. It has really helped me, and I know that it can help you. It doesn’t have to happen over some protracted period of time. It does not have to be a process. It can happen this instant by simply making the choice to change. Folks really are as happy as they choose to be. Thanks for pointing it out Abe!